lobbyobserver.org » Ali Advice

A Swing and a Miss

Lobby Observer — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 13:06:06 +0000

If for some reason you have a tennis lesson or maybe an indoor sports practice at the gym and you see someone you know a few feet over, do not try to impress them by showing off. For if you do attempt to swing a little harder than you usually do, chances are you won’t have any control and end up completely missing the ball…awkward. On top of that you’ll probably have that “I got this” look on your face right before you go to hit which just doubles the humiliation. This results in extreme embarassment for you and a loss of respect from the other person.

Quick Summary: Don’t be a showoff

Awk-Venture

Lobby Observer — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 13:20:20 +0000

If for some reason you have to do a group project for school and in order to complete that project you must buy supplies, make sure that all group members are present during that process. For if you don’t you will feel the need to include the third member in the group due to their absence. Therefore you will call that group member and in order for you and your present partner to both be able to hear that person the phone will be put on speaker. This results in you and your friend trapsing around Wal-Mart yelling into a phone as you frantically attempt to find all necessary supplies in a timely manner while the other shoppers give you strange looks.

Quick Summary: Make sure that all group members are available for all parts of a project.

The Intern Survival Guide: Rule 1

Lobby Observer — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 13:14:25 +0000

If for some reason you’re an intern and your teacher asks you to make copies, make sure you understand the rules of the copier. For if you don’t understand the rules, you will probably try to put half a sheet of paper in the top section of the copier after attempting and failing about four other ways to make a copy. However shoving this half sheet of paper into the top section is not an acceptable plan B for this will then cause a jam resulting in the necessary assistance of two copier gurus and embarrassment or shame for you as an intern.

Quick Summary: If you want to maintain head intern status make sure you don’t break the copier.

Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive, or Bruise

Lobby Observer — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 21:56:34 +0000

If for some reason, the Westborough apocalypse has occurred and you must find shelter elsewhere, make sure the building in which you stay has been designed for the average person to fit into. For at first glance, you may not notice that the house in which you have chosen to stay seems as though it has been built for extremely small people. If you hadn’t realized such an important thing, there’s also a good chance you will assume that the doorways are average in height. With this assumption, you will walk through the door as you usually would and bash your head on the top of the doorway. This results in a defined bruise on your forehead and an embarrassing explanation of “oh…I walked into a door.”

Quick Summary: Never assume everything is proportional to you.

Cake-tastrophe

Lobby Observer — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 02:40:42 +0000

If for some reason you are in a car with your whole family AND you’re over-excited as it is your first time in a car with a skylight window AND there is a cake in between you and your sibling, do NOT stand up through the skylight window during a bathroom break on the way. For if you do stand up through the skylight, as you sit down you will find that the cake has not magically moved itself out of the way. Therefore it will result in you sitting on the cake that you insisted on buying in the first place. And despite the fact that you will not want to eat the part of the cake contaminated by butt, you will be forced to as no one else would be willing to eat it.

Quick Summary: Always look before you sit.

Pump. Pump. Pump it up?

Lobby Observer — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 18:44:12 +0000

If for some reason your friend has anxiety about pumping gas alone for the first time in Massachusetts, do not, I repeat, do not be the person to volunteer to help her. For if you do decide to make that your good deed of the day, you will end taking 4 loops around the pumping stations in an attempt to get the car close enough for the handle to reach it. When your friend finally reaches a good handle-to-tank distance, said friend will attempt to pay for the gasoline with a credit card. However the pump will then reject the credit card and order you to see the cashier who has a thick accent and gives bad directions. Finally after going through that whole ordeal, you’ll just end up pumping the gas for your friend and be told later of a cheaper gas station that has an attendant who is actually willing to pump gas for his customers.

Quick Summary: If your friend asks for help completing a simple task…just say no.

Death by Chocolate

Lobby Observer — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 00:36:09 +0000

If for some reason you find yourself going to the “snack shack” at break to buy peanut m&ms and a friend of yours asks you to buy them a treat as well, make sure they specify what they want. Once again: make sure they specify what they want. For if you don’t receive this clarification, you will make the assumption that they want the same thing as you. However upon returning with said peanut-y treat, you will discover that your friend is in fact deathly allergic to peanuts. This will cause an incredibly awkward moment in which everyone believes you tried to kill off a member of the group when in reality you made an innocent mistake as you were completely unaware of your friend’s medical background.

Quick Summary: Simmilar to how restaurants operate, make sure your server knows the food allergies of any given member in your party.

Re-think that Re-gift

Lobby Observer — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 16:31:13 +0000

If for some reason, you are invited to a dinner to celebrate a close friend’s birthday it is absolutely critical to make time to buy him or her a gift. For if you don’t buy this friend a gift, you will be forced to do something so horrible and so terrible that the only acceptable person to do this to is an estranged relative. That’s right, I’m talking about the unanimously frowned upon act of…re-gifting. However, on the day of said dinner you’ll probably have a busy schedule (what with no time to buy a new gift and all) and be in such a rush that you grab anything with the tags still on it with just enough time to shove it into a bag, grab your keys, and rush over to your friend’s house. Unfortunatly, little will you know that the present that was so thoughtlessly planned out was in fact given to you by this friend; but it gets worse because that present was given to you as a split gift and the person who bought the other half of the present will be sitting next to said friend as the gift is being opened. The results may include but not be limited to: embarassment, jokes at your expense, and that friend holding a grudge.

Quick Summary: If you have no other choice but to…re-gift, make sure that the gift was given to you by a person who the next receiver on this present’s hit list has never had contact with.

Slide! Slide! Home run?

Lobby Observer — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 21:35:39 +0000

If for some reason, you one day find that there is a long slippery hallway in your home and you feel the urge to slide across it like a slip and slide, be sure there are no cabinets in said hallway. For if there is a cabinet in said hallway, as soon as you collide with the floor the vibration will then reach the cabinet causing it to open. When the cabinet opens, a very important wedding picture of your grandparents will proceed to fall out, resulting in shattered glass and a timeout.

Quick Summary: If you choose to slip and slide throughout the house, do it where there are no breakable items.

Bringin’ Down the House

Lobby Observer — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 19:36:02 +0000

If for some reason on the second day that you have your learner’s permit, you are told to go in reverse despite the fact that you clearly state that you are uncomfortable going in reverse, you need to be sure of a few things.

1) The gearshift is in fact in reverse.

2) When the adult in the passenger seat yells out “Brake” you hit the brakes…not the accelerator.

For if you do not follow these two easy steps there is a good chance you will crash into your garage, and while no damage will be done to your beautiful car (named “Winston”) in this treachorous battle, the garage will not be able to walk away without a limp. In fact, a great deal of damage will be done to the garage such that it is knocked off the rails and will be unable to function. It will then not be repaired for two months and guilt will radiate from said garage each time you walk by it as a reminder of your huge goof.

So folks, a quick summary: Do not accelerate into a garage, whether or not your intent was to go in reverse.